A Letter to Lukas on his 1st Birthday
As I sit here on the eve of your FIRST birthday, I can’t help but get emotional. Lukas, you have changed every part of me for the better. You bring your daddy and me so much joy. You make us a family and we are forever grateful for that. Our first few months were rocky and there were times I couldn’t see beyond our struggles but we are both better because of it. You are strong-willed. You have been since day one. You tested your daddy and me in ways we didn’t think were possible. And I’m sure you’ll continue to do so in the years to come. However, I don’t doubt for a minute your willful character and strength make you destined for great things. You and I spent the first few months at odds with each other. Your stubbornness clashed with mine and we eventually compromised. I was determined to give you the best and make breastfeeding work. You were determined to test my commitment in every possible way. When I was about to give up, I think you sensed it. Suddenly feeding you got easier. You pulled through and thankfully I didn’t give up. As I nursed you for the last time around 8.5 months, I cried so hard. They were tears of happiness. My goal for us was 6 months and we surpassed it. You won’t remember, but I thanked you so much during that last nursing session. It meant a lot to me to provide for you. You stuck with me and made it possible for us.
We survived many other hurdles your first year. I struggled with a sense of sadness that I still can’t wrap my mind around. The only explanation I think I have is that my love for you was/is so overwhelming that I wasn’t sure what to do with it those first few weeks. I was so worried something bad would happen to you. I worried I would fail you as a mom. I still worry, but the fear doesn’t paralyze me like it did the first month of your life. Thankfully your grandma and daddy recognized my sadness and together we figured out a way I could embrace the love and overcome the fears. Now I’m so happy, most days I feel like my heart will burst. I feel like you complete me as a person. We still have tough days but your laugh makes everything better.
Laughter – you laugh A LOT now. And that makes me so incredibly happy. You are such a happy boy. Your smile is infectious. Your daddy makes you laugh the most. He lives to make you laugh. Watching you both play brings me such peace. He loves you a lot. He might not kiss you as much as I do, but he certainly loves you more than you’ll ever know. He’ll randomly call me to tell me how cute you are or tell me a story about you. He can’t wait to play hockey with you. He tells me all the time he’s going to make an ice skating rink in the back yard. That should be interesting. Get ready, as soon as you’re walking, I’m sure he’ll be ready to buy you skates.
I think you have a great sense of adventure. I watch you explore and your curiosity, while scary for me at times, is something special. When you come across something new you study it so hard. You never seem discouraged if you can’t reach something or get your hands around it. For example, the other day we watched you as you tried so hard to get the basketball in the hoop. Once you finally did you clapped. It was so funny. Your successes, big or small, are everything to me. I want nothing but the best for you. I am so confident you will always be as curious, ambitious, and adventurous as you are now. Your daddy and I can’t wait to explore with you, too. We are so excited to see the world with you. We will do our best to show you as much of it as possible. We have a lot of catching up to do.
Speaking of travel, did you know we almost named you London? If I had my way, that would have been your name. However, I’m so happy daddy convinced me otherwise. I still love the name London, but you are Lukas. I knew that should be your name the minute I met you. I don’t know why. The name just seems to fit you perfectly. I love it. Your daddy got me a beautiful gold necklace with your initial on it for my first Mother’s Day. I haven’t taken it off since. You like it too. When I’m holding you, you always reach for it and hold the L. It always remind me that your are the best gift I have and will ever receive.
Your life is a gift and I’m blessed to be your mom. I’m now struggling to celebrate your birthday. I’m not ready for you to grow. I’m not ready to see you get older. I do love watching you develop and learn new things, but I want time to stop. These past 12 months went by way too quickly. I promise to always put our family first and love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday, sweet Lukas James. Thank you for making me a momma and giving me so many wonderful memories your first year. I look forward to many more great memories and milestones.
Lukas on his 1st Birthday
This was the sweetest most touching letter I have ever read. He will love this so much when he get older. You are an amazing mommy!